The Ever-Changing Nature of Thoughts and Emotions

The other day I had one of those golden moments that every parent of a teen finds joy in. I was travelling in the car, taking my son to the train station, when he began to talk and let me into his world.  As we drove along, he opened up about his emotional experience and the fact that he'd noticed that his feelings and emotions about himself changed on a daily basis. One day he’d feel on top of the world, and the next at the bottom. He asked me earnestly “am I normal?”

I responded…”Not only are you ‘normal’ my darling, but you have just landed on a truth about how the mind, and how every human being, works. A truth that has the ability to change your understanding of your psychological experience.”

It occurred to me just how lovely it would be if EVERYONE knew that it was completely normal to have feelings that were different day to day, moment to moment, and that it’s nothing to be afraid of.

Because, from experience, whenever I’ve pushed away feelings I’ve tended to get tangled up in them somewhat. Inherently, feelings can’t harm us, but because we don’t like some of them (and wished we didn’t feel so awful), we avoid them, push them away or try and change them, and darn it, if they don’t stick around or pull tighter as a result. The adage that ‘what we resist, persists’ is so true. We try and wiggle our way out of difficult ‘negative’ feelings because we suspect that because we’re having them, it may mean that they are telling us the truth, e.g. that having feelings of not being good enough means that we actually are not good enough. Its’ an innocent mistake.  

Feelings simply reflect the thinking that we have going on in any moment, and that’s it. We might be more or less aware of what that thinking is (sometimes it’s so well practised, we aren’t even aware we’re experiencing thoughts), but essentially that’s where feelings come from.

The idea that moods or feelings are a constant/should be within a particular range is an incorrect hypothesis. The notion that if they don’t stick to ‘the programme’ of constancy, means that something wrong, is damaging.

Moods and thinking change moment-to-moment, day-to-day and this process is nothing to be frightened of – it just is.  We all have low moods, and when we can learn not to trust our thinking in those moments (or make big life decisions) and be self-compassionate, so much the better.

We are not Poseidon – we cannot control the waves…it’s more like being a surfer – being with the wave and riding it out. Nothing is static, everything comes in waves. It’s just nature doing its thing, and we are part of nature. After all, we are 60% water, so we should expect a few ripples now and then.

Judging the ripples and waves, and the fact they are there, makes it harder to stand up on the surfboard to enjoy the ride of life. We don’t have to transcend our experience of life, just include all the emotions and honour them as another knot in our personal life tapestry.

#performance #coaching #wellbeing #resilience

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